“As happens sometimes, a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment.” ― John Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men

Yellow Feather (2001), oil on canvas, 77x102 cm (30x40)

Yellow Feather (2001), oil on canvas, 77×102 cm (30×40) —

An aside to the story…….

On September 30, 2013,  a moment expanded. I was rushed to the emergency room, ashen colored, low blood pressure, difficulty breathing with pain in my lower lungs.  They thought it was a heart attack. They ran every test. They sent me home saying nothing was wrong probably just stress.

Four days later I was back in the emergency room, the pain increasing, the breathing more difficult.  They ran even more test.  They concluded I must have had a Copd flare, even though I did not have Copd.  They gave me a steroid inhaler and sent me home.

That was on a Monday, I went back to work and by Friday I could barely walk 10 feet without gasping for breath, by Sunday the pain was intense, I was panting continuously with every movement. The morning of Monday, October 9th I knew something was very, very, wrong and went back to the emergency room.

As they checked me in, my blood pressure dropped dramatically and my lungs started to collapse.  For the first time in my life I was frightened. Frightened because I did not know what was happening, only that people were swarming all over me, working to keep me alive.

Ten hours later, now stabilized, I was admitted to the acute care wing of the hospital.  There I stayed for the next 8 days.  It took another 6 weeks to recover.  I had pneumonia coupled with acute pleurisy. The pain in my lungs was caused by the air sacs collapsing; I was having trouble breathing because my lungs were filled with fluid.

The fact that I almost died gave me pause and I noticeably changed.

All of us are in a constant state of change. Every word, every action, every incident we experience changes us in some form or another.  We are not the person we were yesterday nor are we the person we will be tomorrow.  Seldom are we aware of what is transpiring so caught up we are in our own lives.

What triggered my change and my awareness was not so much that I almost died but because in the all time I was gone from work, off line, incommunicado, no one called or wrote or e-mailed to see if I was OK or ask: where are you?  Of all the people I know, of all those I communicate generally by e-mail or online daily, no one in that week, or the next, questioned my silence.

When I did go online to Facebook, before I updated my status, I saw there was one message waiting for me from a friend I had never met in France, asking how are you, where are you? I stood corrected, there was one person who cared. It made me smile. It also made me aware how very insignificant my life had become to others. How very shallow all our lives had become.

So I laughed, and I laughed, I shook my head, and said to the universe: thank you for that extended moment in time, thank you for the awareness, now lets get to work on what is really important.

Not sure what that is but I know the others out there are no longer very important to me, what I do from this point forward is focused on what is good for me and improving my quality of life so that when the important stuff does come sometime before I die, I will be ready.

You may think that is selfish. Perhaps it is, perhaps for the very first time in my life I care more about me than other people.  Unheard of for an Aquarian! Perhaps it will only last for a short while, perhaps forever but my light is shinning so very bright right now it’s almost blinding.

Whatever I am moving towards I travel slowly, steadily, quietly with a smile caught in a new extended moment of time filled with joy.

That is not too shabby.

 

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Comments
  1. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
    WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR LATE LAST YEAR—CHRONIC HEART FAILURE—TOO MUCH FLUID IN THE LUNGS, ETC. NOT FUN AT ALL!!!!

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  2. Thank you Nancy, I have read with sadness your losses and know all our 4 legged friends are waiting for us….perhaps my expectations were too high…..no matter, we move on and carry on the best we can, use what we have and move on…. keeps us smiling.

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  3. 🙂 Welcome to awareness my dear friend 🙂 It often takes a great shock to bring us to this point of realisation. I am sorry to hear of your illness and the pain that you were in and I would like to inform you that you are certainly not alone. We are all connected by the divine matrix and there are always friends there for you, many of them you have never met and may never meet but friends they are indeed. I too had very similar experiences in the past few years and most of my connections of love came from afar. I do hope you are on the road to a full recovery and you can now walk a new path of life, one filled with light and pure source energy.
    Namaste my friend, with Love Mark

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  4. Nancy Tanner says:

    I am glad you are ok. I think many of us go through things, and unless we speak up, not many others chime in. I know this past year we experienced death, illness, injury, but also good things too. I don’t know that I expect people to check in with me unless I send the news out. But I have fairly independent family and friends. So again, glad you are healthy, glad they found the cause, and I look forward to more of your art and words!

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