Capitán -2

Posted: June 20, 2013 in journal, Women, Writing
Tags: , , , , , ,

I have come to believe that there are infinite passageways out of the shadows, infinite vehicles to transport us into the light.Martha Beck

Forever Farewells-©2003- graphite on paper, 25x30 cm (10x12)

Forever Farewells-©2003- graphite on paper, 25×30 cm (10×12)

The story continues…

My mother said I emerged from the womb hating him.  Perhaps it was the pre-birth Empath at work.  I have no real memory of my childhood, it is a large dark hole with tiny bits of light; little snips of film, shredded and tattered, misplaced without any time reference.  What I do know comes from stories told to me, photos seen, deep pieces of memories eventually fitted together.  It wasn’t until my mid 40’s, (and after 2 months of consulting from a breakdown); that I began to understand how I survived and over the next 20 years was able to piece together the puzzle forming a cloudy photograph.

“If you ever say anything I will beat your mother senseless every night until she’s dead.” Those words were etched into my brain when I was about 4 or 5 and the memories of what transpired for the next 10 years, erased. The only surface realization I carried was the misconceived belief that somehow I was my mother’s protector. I held that concept for most of my adult life.  The recurring nightmares would continue nightly until I was in my 20’s.

Unlike my sisters who grew to become various shades of his reflection, and my one brother who survived broken and deranged only to die young; I disassociated at a very young age, creating an alternate adult personality to take over for the abused child.  As I grew that personality redefined itself, became all the things I wanted, needed, perceived, in a grown-up. The child was now safe and protected. The personality created strong enough to stand up to the man.

That ability to stand up to him only generated even greater anger and frustration. There was never any help, no intermediaries, no rescue, pray as I might. “Deal with it.” was the response I received from everyone whenever I might ever so slightly complain.   So I stopped praying, stopped complaining, I became silent.

Defiance and anger held together the fragile golem I had enabled, creating a viable force between Capitán and I. However, physiologically it was much worse.  I became something/someone he could not control, something he would spend the rest of his life trying to destroy. Only he would call it love.

By the time I was 12 I had grown to my full height, by the time I was 15 the created personality was fairly complete. There were other aspects to be refined: the genetic characteristics, embedded traits that would meld with the created ones, triggers I had not yet come to know; I had created a unique being.

I finished high school early and was being sent off to college in Europe, like all the other young girls of good families.  After all, the perfect family social façade had to be maintained.

Socially isolated for most of my youth, I had very little reference about life, having been taught less than nothing and no social skills to face the world. Unaware of my Empath abilities at the time, I learned by osmosis. I learned to “see” everything, I imitated what others did, I pretended to be just like them, did as they did, I read books, spoke as they spoke. Like a sculptor I formed and re-formed, my identity, defining its shape and form.   Becoming a mirror of everything I thought was strong, good and true. I could not, would not, accept being anything like anyone in my family.

As I boarded that DC7 a few months after my 15th birthday, to leave my family behind, for the first time I thought I was truly free.  I vowed I would never go back.  Unknowingly, I mentally began erasing anything that was too heavy to carry.  I was a bright light leaving the dark.

Little did I know the gods that be had other plans for me, the seeds for the storm of a lifetime were already planted and slowly beginning to grow; but at that point, with great joy, I only saw a clear and open path.




  1. Nancy Tanner says:

    I want to like this series because it is so deep, so personal, but I can’t press the like button because it is so deep and so personal. Truly free, is what I like, a lot.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s