An aside to the story.-

“One of the main problems for Empaths is the lack of transparency and honesty in the world and the consequent frustration of having to process all the energy that is not in full view.”  Trinity Bourne

Another Path ©2003- graphite on paper, 25x30 cm (10x12)

Another Path ©2003- graphite on paper, 25×30 cm (10×12)

My paternal grandmother was a large, ample German woman with flaming red hair and a personality that charmed all she met.  Her home was an open door to family, friends and total strangers.  There was always room at the dinning room table, or even the family crypt for that matter, for one more or several as the occasion allowed. I have beautiful memories of her holding me in her lap singing the old country songs.  Special treats were the ends of French bread (“the nose” she called it), sliced, covered in butter, sprinkled with sugar and dipped in sweet coffee flavored milk, now there was true love.

She had the “sight” as it was called, and she could see right through me or anyone else. What transpired in our house to her, was not an unknown.  She told me everyone had a guardian angel, but that I had two protecting me. She taught me a game where I could become anything I wanted to be: a bird, a fox, a wolf, a bear.  It was not until much later in life I realized the value of this great gift she bestowed for it enabled me to escape the worst of times.

It was in my late teens when I realized I also had the gift of second sight. Unlike my grandmother, I could not “see” vast rivers of possibilities but only what the individual had unconsciously set up for themselves to happen within a short period of time.  I was a feeler, an Empath.

In having conversations with others I would find myself always touching them, on the hand on the arm. This subconsciously enabled me to communicate better, to tell them what they wanted to hear.  I forced myself to do this only selectively when I returned to the States.  Americans do not like being touched.  I also found that with some people I would even emit a minute electrical charge, especially if I was feeling overly sensitive to them or our conversation.

Most kept me at arm’s length because of my vibration, (my aura) which could swell and envelope people without my awareness especially when I was disturbed, irritated or angry even while I was outwardly smiling.  Still working on controlling that, blocking the vibrations I send out and those I receive.  However, as much as I tried, I never gained real social skills to use the information, to play the game, to my advantage, I would just unintentionally scare people.

There is only so much one can learn from books, from osmosis, from observation, when you have no childhood experience, and I needed experience to build a stronger self-foundation. I became a “quick study” learning at a rapid pace.  I could see so clearly at times, I could do almost anything I set my mind to accomplish.

It wasn’t until my mid-fifties that I truly understood what was happening.  It explained why it was never easy to be accepted by others, why I found it difficult at best to get close to people in a personal sense.  I never had more than one or two friends at a time and after a while they too would leave, my honesty, my intensity proving too much for the normal person to bear.

I have been fortunate to be part of a group several times for short periods, enabling me to really work for the greater good. People tend to see me as a leader or a threat.  In truth though, I spent most of my life on the outside looking in. At the same time gaining respect, admiration in addition to some form of success and fame.  I also learned peace in being alone but never lonely.

I think the day I left home I became a very positive person, the worst of life sliding off my shoulders.  Tending to allow myself to be used, part of the abused syndrome I am sure, enabled me to make others look good, and receive the reflected success.  Sometimes I am too positive, moving forward with speed while erasing whatever may have transpired, creating holes, lost time, in my adult life. I still tend to “fade out” every now and again for short periods, especially while driving, ending up miles from where I intended to go, getting lost with no memory of how I arrived.  Always made me wonder who was driving during those times!

My biggest problem was, and still is, in over-intellectualizing everything, desperate to understand the why and the how of it all. So many questions, so few answers!

However, in spite of everything I do smile and laugh much more than I cry.  Crying too much never solved anything, did not necessarily make me feel better and I always thought it was a waste of good water in a drought.

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Comments
  1. Nancy Tanner says:

    I love this series (it is so dark and so personal, but I have been drawn in to your story, I love this post.

    Like

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