Omega Petals

Posted: April 15, 2012 in painting adventures
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“Perhaps when it’s over, maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.” Arthur Miller

Omega Petals, oil on canvas 35x43 cm (14x18)

I thought I was finished, that there were no more women who touched my soul deeply enough for me to paint them. I had nearly finished my muse (Petal Song), started another and had prepared yet another canvas.  I wanted to continue that exciting line of thought. But then…… don’t you just hate it when you think you know what you are doing and you really do not have a clue?

The universe had other plans. A small bypass, a blip, a quick detour before I could continue forward.

I saw the small empty stretcher laying on the floor. It was meant for another painting for the show. I picked it up and as I started to put it away, I also saw a small piece of canvas. Ah ha! said I, this will fit perfectly, but it was not wide enough by only 1 inch. Well, again to myself, this is a waste! I will just cut you in half, sew you together.

Now, sewing or stitching on a canvas is nothing new, been done by others a thousand times before, but not by me.  Out came my curved needle, some strong thread and I sewed. I sealed the edges, let it dry, stretched it onto the frame, gessoed it and left it on the table. Hump, I said (talk to my self a lot when I am alone in the studio) that’s kind of curious, where is this coming from?

My husband came into the studio the next day before leaving for work, and seeing the little stitched canvas on the table asked, “What’s this?” I told him and he laughed saying “two lives stitched together”. Or at least that is what I heard and for one brief moment time stood still, or it felt like it, or it felt like everything was still moving but I was standing still, or I had stepped out of time, or…….it was then I knew who I needed to paint. Who left a deep footprint in my soul. She popped onto that canvas so fast it was frightening.

She was a genius, had beauty, a gift of words, unmeasurable talent and a charisma that could and did win the heart of the world. She lived many lives, many places, she was many people all stitched together to make a whole, none of them real, none of them sane, all leaning on the psychotic; a borderline sociopath living on the raggedy edge, inviting death to play a game where she won, always escaping the judgement, the responsibility, the duty. She was as generous as she was manipulative, as good-hearted as she was amoral, as strong as she was vulnerable, she never told the truth, always a half-truth, her truth. Constantly going from illegally gained wealth to abject poverty. She used people and people let themselves gladly be used, just to be near her, to have her love, me included. She was the omega to my alpha. We shared genes, we each had our demons, I conquered mine, she nourished hers.

She spent a lifetime making the wrong choices, with the wrong people, it did not seem to matter to anyone.  My life and hers entwined and like a tornado there was always devastation at the end.  I was there when she needed help, comfort, a place to hide, to pick up the pieces, to come up for air or whatever.  The day came when she had a choice. She had justified her actions in her own mind but it was the ultimate betrayal, the ultimate wound that cut so deep, I thought it, I, would never heal.

It took me a long time to recover, and when I did, I was changed.  I finally forgave her and then closed and permanently sealed the door so that I could move forward and survive. She cried and said she had no choice, I cried and said, there are always choices and this is mine.

It’s been 14 years or more, and I allow her to live in a small file drawer in the back of my mind, surfacing only when the universe needs to remind me, like the little stitched canvas, of why that door is closed. I will always love her as a mother loves a child, as one true sister to another, she is and always will be a part of my soul.

There are somethings that cannot be forgotten, must not be forgotten, a door must stay closed …..opening it would not be worth a regret.

  1. rabbitsmoon says:

    a beautiful portrait, ands such a gift with words. Such a journey, know of course my interest is peaked…who is this mysterious person?


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